The Milky Minefield that is Breastfeeding...

So I'm going to talk a little about my Breastfeeding journey, and it is a journey I think for every Mum I talk to - I don't want people to be disheartened though I did conquer it in the end....eventually!

I was absolutely adamant that I was going to Breastfeed with my first son. Naively so, now looking back on it. So much so, that I didn't buy any bottles, no sterilising equipment, I thought just get him out and get him on - Simple as that!

Now I don't have any answers, but I think,for me it comes down to this. My first son's birth was long, laboured and stressful. Alongside this throw in some Pethidine, an Epidural, a Spinal block and not much skin on skin as soon as baby had been born - and Voila! My recipe for a non breastfeeding baby! Oh boy - I tried and tried and tried. We had been given lessons on a woolly knitted boob in our antenatal classes, as well as our midwife appointments. We had been told over and over , until it was drilled into us that Breast is Best.

I held my little bub across that bloody painful C Section belly so hopeful that he would finally get it and latch properly, and when I left hospital the staff were happy with his progress. But, you know when a Mum says Mothers intuition - well turns out this is a real thing - my gut was telling me that he wasn't drinking enough, I just felt that he was so drowsy still that he was just falling asleep for too long in between tiny feeds.

That first night home is scary enough anyway, we are all shitting ourselves when it comes down to it. Suddenly you have this little being in your bedroom that your solely responsible for - and nothing prepares you. And my little one was clearly not content. The screaming started and went on for 6 hours until he passed out - I was so panicked and so tired. I'd try feeding him, but he just wouldn't latch. My husband helped me, we went through all the steps we'd learned in the hospital. But, to no avail. He was screaming wildly - I knew in hunger. I was so ridiculously tired that I'd completely ignored the number you can call a midwife 24 hours of the day - and I just waited for my midwife appointment the next morning - where I abruptly broke down on her. She tried patiently to help me, but it was quite clear none of us could get his head near my boob, he was too strong and just pushed himself away. Now this is where people laugh at me, and say well you just didn't persevere. How could a newborn baby be strong enough to push himself away from your breast? Ohhhh ho ho - don't judge me guys! My tits are not that gross - he just didn't want it. So our midwife told us to go and buy some formula.

This is where I'll take a little break and go on a rant .... formula? You don't get told how to prepare formula, you get told Breast is Best. You get shown the nipple rolling, the areola rubbing, the colostrum collecting...Oh yeah...when you're made to squeeze colostrum from your nipple into a syringe. But formula never once came up. I was under the impression formula was THE worst. The stuff of ignorant ad lazy mothers. Of course, we were so tired and beaten up , and worried for our little boy that we rushed to the shops and bought the most expensive bottles and formula they had to offer without arguing. Just do as you're told right? In hindsight I wish I had been a little bit more prepared that this could be something people struggled with. Just so I had time to research pumping beforehand and formulas, as I literally knew bugger all.

He of course chugged the formula down like a rugby player after a winning game...down in one and slept for 4 hours solid.

I had started to produce milk though, and perhaps it was because of my C Section, or my body going into shock, or his stressful birth - or all of these things combined that meant I could not breast feed my son.

The guilt when it doesn't work is phenomenal.

Firstly my birth plan is ripped away from me, then getting to breastfeed is taken away from me too? It felt so unfair and just another thing I'd 'failed' at.

I tried to get him to latch for months. When he was hungry, when he was happy, when he was sleepy , when he'd just woken up...none of it worked. I felt so upset when I saw all the mums around me being able to do it with ease. I felt like I'd let my son down at the first hurdle. I ended up exclusively pumping for 3 months, and then went onto formula. (I will do a pumping post because it might be helpful for someone!)

With my second son, my elective C Section, he was raised out, like the cub from 'The Lion King', and within an hour was breastfeeding - just latched - just like that - just took to it like a dream. It was an incredible relief, but I also had to learn how to Breastfeed - which can be really tough, it was a real skill, I was so naive to think it was just open wide and get on. There were challenges - That first time in public! What to wear! What to do with a toddler whilst you're stuck with your boobs out in a park feeding your newborn! All this and more! (Again will probably to go deeper into this at some point too because it really is a minefield!)

I feel there is so much pressure put onto new mums about Breastfeeding, and I don't think its up to us in the end its up to our babies. But as a new mum when you're hormonal, tired and guilt ridden about everything anyway - the last thing you need is extra pressure!

Fed is best.

People said to me 'oh at least that way Dad can share the night feeds'...Well, I couldn't get my first to take a bottle from anyone but me for months, so it still felt like had a very special connection, but the sterilising and commitment is unreal. Pumping made sure he still had the good stuff that you produce in those first few weeks, but it was hard work. On the other hand, getting my youngest to take a bottle is a bloody nightmare but that's a tale for another day!!