Lockdown Lunacy

So with lockdown still very much upon us, having young ones at home has proven to be a big topic of conversation amongst many of my online friend chats / group chats / rep chats.

It feels to me that everyone is struggling in one way or another. Whether they have a 15 year old, or 3 under the age of 5 at home, obviously for lots of different reasons, and that's OK.

I'm not even going to think about anyone who actually has the virus let alone write how that must feel... I'm just talking about those of us that are at home socially isolating. We are hitting low points left right and centre, in mental health and don't get me started on physical health (lockdown equals lots of highly functioning alcoholics.. And chocoholics... And cheeseoholics and anything from the fridgeoholics... My house very much included!!! )

We are being very hard on ourselves to think that our world tips upside down and we should be totally in control of it. However for me with my tiny babies not a hugggge amount has changed. They're not in nursery or school, so, yes, we have stopped seeing people and I've stopped work. But they are pretty much unaware...They don't think anything has changed in their little world. And for this I'm grateful. I'm grateful I'm not trying to home school, or struggle with upset teenagers that can't see friends or have birthday parties or go to the cinema. I'm not arguing with them or crying with them every day to try and explain to them the situation around us without scaring them. I'm not doing any of that... But... I have lost my help with childcare, and yes I'm aware that by just saying that sentence for some I will come across like an ungrateful selfish uncaring mother....(" she  doesn't want to be with her beautiful children 24/7.. What an absolute bitch.. She doesn't know how lucky she is... Some people would give their right arm to be in that situation blah blah blah") Yeah yeah I get it...This doesn't mean I don't love my children with every fibre of my being.. . It just means I'm a human being, a massively extroverted one at that, so being isolated ain't coming that easy.

I've also stopped being able to work. So I have no money of my own coming in.. . So financially we're under pressure.. And I'm now with two small babies all the time. And I mean all the time. OK, like no coffee breaks, no naps, no rest time...all day all night... Nappies, singing, games, counting, reading, nursery rhymes, nappies, sensory play, meal times, snack times, nap times, bath times... Did I mention nappies?

My husband is a key worker so is still working 6 days a week, thank goodness right.. But still, let's be real... I am finding the ground hog type repetition of being in lockdown a little...dull around the edges...

I sit them in front of the washing machine to watch it when I feed all the pets... I have to have both of them stare at me when I go to the loo..yes...all the time every time... And I sit my youngest in the washing basket when I hang the clothes out to dry so he doesn't crawl off into a bush or a pile of dog shit somewhere, when my backs turned... I have - indeed against all odds - actually managed to grow that pair of eyes in the back of my head...

For me, I have Ragnar who is 20 months OK, he isn't talking yet and has an attention span of about 15 minutes.. And I feel so much pressure to be doing arts and crafts with him, or reading or something inspirational. I think this is fuelled by, my own mum guilt , social media and the intense pressure to educate them and not stick them in front of Mr Tumble for 8 hours a day. Ohhhh screen time... Well lockdown has truly buggered screen time right out the window... But as a mother, it can be disheartening when you've spent 20 minutes preparing a craft activity.. For them only to put it all in their mouths and then stare at you intensely uninterested.

So why do we feel the need to keep them so busy.. They're only little? Relax! Let them chill out and do there own thing, wandering up and down the garden in their pants eating soil..ohhhhhh, I wish! Its not quite that easy for us mums to relax into that behaviour. We'll.. For me it isn't.

From, a very early start into your pregnancy you are told over and over to get the babies sociable. Get them out and about, toddler groups, sensory play, singing and bounce class, swimming... To be honest the list is endless. It's drilled into us that its better for Mummy and baby to see people and get fresh air. So this goes against everything we've been told incessantly to do.

And we were so sooooo lucky, because where I live we had all these wonderful classes. Full of colour and joy and

creativity and my boys loved it. I loved it. It was absolutely indeed better for Mummy and baby. N

ow I'm bored! Simple ad that. And I miss people and adult conversation. I have this overwhelming dread that my youngest will become socially awkward because of lockdown, and hide behind my legs clinging to me like a limpet, when a stranger approaches, until he's 14. And I fear my eldest will hate all other children. And they'll both be intensely needy towards me. All this I tried so hard to avoid. So now at home, by myself, I am trying to grow confident young boys, that interact with other humans normally. But... My main issue with all of this... Is will any of us interact with other humans normally at the end of this. The truth is. I don't know. So accept the mum guilt as it never goes away. There's always something niggling the back of our mind. And just try our best. Keep trying our best. And hope this all makes us stronger without letting the negativity set in and win. Stay home, stay safe x