Oh Lockdown….you bitch….

Ok...I’m just gonna say it...I’m bored of this shit now. I mean, what we are we in? Like week 10?

Playing with a 10 and 22 month old for the 72nd day in a row......”Uh Uh darling, not a good idea”...”I don’t think so sweetie”, "that looks great sweetheart", "old macdonald again, ok here we go"...to…..

”Ragnar get down from there” ...”Ragnar don’t eat that”...”Ragnar don’t turn that on”….”Ragnar don’t put that, near there”….

So we are coming to the end of May. I have been doing a month of positivity photo’s on my grid on Insta. And for the most part I am a positive person. I’m chipper...upbeat...annoyingly so some would say…So this has made look back at May and reflect.

I had my 35th birthday, in lockdown, but it was fantastic. It was the first time in 2 years I could have a drink, because I’ve always had a bun in the oven for the 2 years previous, so I drank...and drank, we got a Thai takeaway, we ate cake, and drank some more...the sun shone, the birds sang...well I don’t know about the birds...it was a lot of gin….

But yesterday I just woke up...in one of those moods… when you’re just pissed off...at everything, for no apparent reason.

Am I allowed to say that? I feel like I’ve failed my family if I say that - my husband and my kids - if I have a bad day. If I’m not 100 % chirpy, and singing from the rooftops, if I’m just slightly 'Off'...I feel like I’m going to let the team down in some way. I’m always so busy trying to keep everyone ‘up’ all the time...you know...I feel like I dropped the ball.

I’m sure I’m not the only that feels like this?

It started in the morning…

I get up at 5am every day. And I do the cleaning and the washing up every night before I go to bed, so the kitchen is spotless for when I come down….

However...my “husband”...yes in inverted commas...had left a sink full of crapppp...bowls and cutlery and mugs galore piled up to the tap...why...why….why do they do this???? So then we can’t even turn the tap on to wash it up , because its piled so high...whyyyyy...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM????? ….(and me...to a certain degree…) But I lost it….just over that, that tiny trigger just set me OFF…....LOSTTTTT it...I started that, you know, swearing at them passively aggressively as though they’re standing in the same room (but actually they’re asleep upstairs... ) “You...B-ing, F-ing, waste of time, mugging me off, me,ME, who do you think you are? Ohhh oh oh cos my times not AS important as yours...blahblahblah”...Oh I was on one…

My day just got better from there on out.

I went for a wee, when I came back Ragnar had done a poo in his nappy, and taken off his shorts and taken off said dirty nappy and dumped it (pardon the pun) in the middle of the living room, and sat his shitty covered behind on my sofa and turned on the TV...sat there watching Bing, like billy big bollocks….this dude...I mean….so he’s next in line on my list for the passive aggressive talking into the air ….whilst I cram his clothes into the washing machine ...”you are your fathers son...you dirty, grubby little rat….blahblahblah”….

Then I call my mum to ease my mood….big mistake...nothing eases...everything intensifies….She is having a really tough time in lockdown... OK

She has survived cancer twice. She feels trapped and alone during this isolation. She said she “feels depressed, like she’s been given a prison sentence, when she only has a few years left to live”...This is so hard for me to deal with when I’m far away, you can't really talk someone down like that just over the phone. And I’m sure there’s lots of us that are feeling this way at the moment. Helpless, distant, like our hands are tied.

I have not seen anyone apart from my husband and kids….oh and the corner store guy…. since lockdown began. But my Mums health has to come first, she has to stay isolated, she was told 16 weeks, we also live an hour and a half away so its not like I can pop round and sit in the garden with her, yet…..yet….

So my mood went from pissed off, to shitty (literally), to sad….

This makes me feel like I’m being a bad Mum, instantly...because I’m snappy and short and curt, and I can feel the anger swell around my temples, and I feel like I need a break…I fell like I’m wound tighter than a top….

Then ...just like that...Wolf took his first steps...his first ever steps….

Boom.

Oh my word, just like that nothing else matters.….it made everything that was tight and anxious , just disappear...my baby boy walking diddy wee little footsteps towards me like it was the easiest thing in the world...Just like that, my day didn’t seem so bad.

And breathe….

It’s so easy to beat yourself up, to knock yourself around mentally...to go over and over things in your head 100 times until you feel like you’re gonna burst. It is so much harder to pull yourself out of it….to remind yourself of the positives, to stop being so critical and just relax. Especially for those of us that our at home by ourselves with teeny ones that can’t tell us, what’s wrong, or if they’re hungry, or if they’re tired, we are by ourselves all day at the moment, guessing, second guessing, trying are best...and some days missing the point entirely...

Thank god yesterday Wolf had my back...my little rockstar.

Lockdown...you’re a bitch...but my Wolfy’s coming for you world...so watch out….